His Glory, My Joy

Many people choose to not share their journey to pregnancy/early pregnancy  with others, early on, for different reasons. "I don't want people to know I'm trying, because they'll keep asking me if I'm pregnant yet".  "I don't want to tell people I'm pregnant until we are past the first trimester, to make sure everything is OK."  I have heard this over and over.  Like I said, I respect that.  It's your family.  It's your decision.  We have been in that "dreaded" situation ourselves:  announcing our pregnancy and then having to announce our early loss.  However, after much family talk, we have decided to take a different path than most.
We want to be very open about our journey- all of it- for a few reasons:

1.  So that our friends and family (especially those we don't see/talk to on a regular basis) 

know specifically how to pray for us.

2.  So that we may be an encouragement to others in similar situations.

Hence this blog.  

On this Christmas Eve, we will be doing something very untraditional for the holidays.  We have a doctor's appointment, and an important one at that.  For the last week and a half, Joseph has been administering injections of a Follicle Stimulating Hormone (FSH) into my belly.  It's a natural hormone that assists my ovaries in helping more than one follicle (which becomes an egg) grow and become dominant.  Every few days we have been traveling back to LA to meet with our doctor and monitor the growth of these follicles.  This consists of ultrasounds and blood tests to measure the follicles and check my estrodial (estrogen) levels.  Here's an overview:

First Appt:  "Oodles" of follicles on each ovary.  Prescribed 1 shot per night.

Too small to measure, and we don't know which ones will become dominant.  

Second Appt:    About three 4-5mm follicles are leading the pack.  Increased shots to 2/night.

Third Appt:  Same three follicles growing to about 6-9mm.  Increased shots to 3/night.

Fourth Appt:  Four dominant follicles:  Our leader the 15mm, 12mm, and two 10.5mm.  Increased shots to 4 that night and 3 the next night.

Yesterday, Jess gave me my last shot.  It was a one time shot of Ovidrel (HCG shot).  This is commonly known as "the trigger shot" due to it triggering ovulation within my body.  This then causes my (now) eggs to kick out of my ovaries and start traveling down whichever fallopian tube picks them up.  We are hoping that it's the left one due to my right tube being blocked.  See previous blogs :) 

36 hours later, we go in for tomorrow morning's appointment.  This is called an Intra-Uterine Insemination (IUI) procedure.  After giving a specimen at the lab, the doctors will wash it and filter out a good sample of healthy XY chromosomes.  We then take this to our doctor and he performs the quick procedure.  Basically, he inserts the sample inside my uterus up near the opening of my left fallopian tube.  

Then...it's only God that can do the rest.  It's in His hands.  Even through all the eastern/western practicing doctors we have met, they agree that fertilizing an egg is not possible.  Doctors can get the egg and sperm as close as they can together to optimize an environment of conception, but they cannot make it happen themselves.  Many of these doctors even attribute fertilization to a higher being.  They know it as the universe, and we know Him as the Creator of the universe.  

So many emotions have flooded me.  

These are the things I'm focusing on/praying about before, during and post procedure:

1.  My God is big.
2.  All or nothing, Lord.  We're used to "nothing".  We'd love "all".  Please don't let it be anything in between.
3.  Today is a new day.  God is doing a new thing.  Past events do not predict future ones.
4.  Thanks for Jess.  His strength.  His adoration of You.  His love for me.
5.  Search my heart.  May it be examined ever so closely and lined up with your will for family.
6.  If "all", we will praise you.  If "nothing", we will praise you even more- knowing you're still working things out for the good of those that love you and are called according to your purpose.
7.  He knows the "desires of our heart", and has been reminding us, through MANY others, of this.

Please pray for us tomorrow.  It will be at about 8:30am.  We covet your prayers.  And when (whether this time or another) our Father allows us a miracle to grow in my womb, we will celebrate life...with everyone.  We have decided to celebrate life when we find out.  Yes, even if that baby is called to Heaven sooner than we hope...we will celebrate it's life here with us and be happy about the opportunity to have His glory revealed in our lives.

This song depicts my feelings perfectly, and has been our mantra during this journey.  I hope the lyrics bless you as much as they give us comfort:

Trust His Heart

Babbie Mason

All things work for our good

                                           Though sometimes we can't see how they could

Struggles that break our hearts in two

Sometimes blind us to the truth

Our Father knows what's best for us

His ways are not our own

So when your pathway grows dim

And you just can't see Him, Remember you're never alone

Chorus:

God is too wise to be mistaken

God is too good to be unkind

So when you don't understand

When don't see His plan

When you can't trace His hand

Trust His HeartHe sees the master plan

He holds the future in His hand, 

So don't live as those who have no hope, 

All our hope is found in Him.

We see the present clearly

But He sees the first and last

And like a tapestry He's weaving you and me, 

To someday be just like Him

(Chorus)

He alone is faithful and true

He alone knows what is best for you

(Chorus)

When you don't understand

When you don't see His plan

When you don't understand

When you can't trace His hand

Trust His Heart

The Fertility Chronicles

     After his devotion this morning, Joseph says to me, "I realized something today.  Maybe God has waited to allow us to have children so that our faith would grow."  Immediately I'm thinking to myself...duh!  Then he continued "I mean, maybe since we have grown in our faith over these 3.5+ years he wants to not only give us a child but our hearts desire with children...twins"  I had to think about this more.

     Joseph's thoughts were purely reflective and innocent.  While they came across as "sunday school answers", I knew that wasn't his intention.  As I began my devotion, I became introspective about these initial feelings- and I think I figured something out about myself.  With these fertility trials we have experienced, I have felt (over and over again) "Okay, God, this time you're going to bless us with children".  With every pregnancy test (and believe me...there have been MANY!), with every prayer, and even with every dream about fertility, I have thought "Maybe this is the time we will get pregnant.  God is ready this time, I just know it."...and then nothing.  

     If I'm being completely honest with myself, I think I've subconsciously developed an unbelief in my God.  I hate typing that...it makes it that much more real...but I have to be honest.  Deep down, I have let the thought that of "My God can't do that" creep in.  That deep down reassurance that maybe this time we will get pregnant has been very faint, in the depths of my heart, lately.  After so many months/years of seeing negative results...it's so hard to be hopeful of positive ones.  

     So, then I start thinking..."Ok, God, am I unbelieving in any other area?  Am I exercising hope in the other areas of my life?  Am I praying in faith in other areas of my life?  Am I boldly approaching the throne in other areas of my life?"  Yes, I believe I am.  That's one reason why we have had a sweet reunion with a close family member.  That's one reason why my friends' marriage is back on track.  That's one reason why we sold our home...and the list goes on.  So why is it, then, that this is an area in which my hope is so subtly diminishing?  I don't know the answer.  However, I know that the enemy wants nothing more than to distinguish my hope in any area of my life.  Now, with this realization in mind, I can do something to fix this lack of hope.

     From what I have read in scripture, what I have learned all these years in church, and what I know from other life experiences...God ALWAYS comes through.  I also know that it almost never coincides with our timing.  I am thankful to have a husband that helps me reflect on things like this, otherwise I wouldn't have been so introspective this morning.  Today is a new day in our fertility journey.  This time, God can choose to allow us to get pregnant.  I cannot live by past experience alone, but also by a hope for the future and the great things He will do in and (literally) through us.  I look forward to that day with GROWING hope and anticipation for His glory to be shown through our joy of having a little one to call our own.