All Roads Lead To a Family

And the Lord said, "... And will not God bring about justice for His chosen ones, who cry out to Him day and night?  Will He keep putting them off?  I tell you, He will see that they get justice and quickly.  However, when the Son of Man comes, will He find faith on the earth?"

I know the starting point.  I know the destination.  However, the question on my mind has been..which road takes us there?  There are so many roads that lead to having a family.  Natural conception, ART, foster care, county adoption, private adoption through an agency, private adoption through a law firm, and stealing a child (just kidding!)

For over the past four years, Joseph and I have been slowly researching these different options.  As of the last few months, it seems like our research has been more concentrated.  Since November 2012 we have done one cycle of IUI through ART, attended a county foster care orientation, attended a county adoption orientation, spoke with a lawyer who does adoptions, emailed/had coffee/text with many friends about their different experiences.  I'm thankful for each experience and exposure to everyone's different "road" to having a family.  However, now I am more confused than ever.

For many of the options listed above, either Jess or I have felt like we shouldn't keep pursuing them for very different reasons.  Which brings us back to square one.  However, I'm learning that square one isn't a bad place to be.  It has pulled the control out from under our human selves and given it back to the One who rightly should have it.  It doesn't take the confusion away.  And I feel that the more I pray, the more conflicted I feel by having this God-given desire to have a family and be a mom- yet, not feeling led to pursue many of these roads further.  I feel like both feelings are from the Father, but how could they not be in line with each other.  I have to be missing something.

I have the privilege of being a part of a discipleship program at church.  Right now we are going through the workbook "Spiritual Disciplines for the Christian Life."  I'm on the chapter about prayer, and this quote jumped out at me: "If we do not persevere in prayer, what are we demonstrating that we believe about God's love and His promises to us?"  The answer:  Nothing.  When the rubber meets the road, we are demonstrating that we don't believe God will REALLY answer our prayer.

So where does that leave me and Jess?  Back at square one.  We know He has promised us a family and a biological one at that.  I believe that will happen.  His timing remains.  Control is His, not ours.  While I may feel confused along the way, He doesn't.  And, like the above scripture says, "He will see that they get justice and quickly." I can't expect God's definition of "quickly", and mine, to be the same.  He is Sovereign, and I am not.

And when it happens...I will...Jess will...those around us will...give Him the glory.

His Glory, My Joy

Many people choose to not share their journey to pregnancy/early pregnancy  with others, early on, for different reasons. "I don't want people to know I'm trying, because they'll keep asking me if I'm pregnant yet".  "I don't want to tell people I'm pregnant until we are past the first trimester, to make sure everything is OK."  I have heard this over and over.  Like I said, I respect that.  It's your family.  It's your decision.  We have been in that "dreaded" situation ourselves:  announcing our pregnancy and then having to announce our early loss.  However, after much family talk, we have decided to take a different path than most.
We want to be very open about our journey- all of it- for a few reasons:

1.  So that our friends and family (especially those we don't see/talk to on a regular basis) 

know specifically how to pray for us.

2.  So that we may be an encouragement to others in similar situations.

Hence this blog.  

On this Christmas Eve, we will be doing something very untraditional for the holidays.  We have a doctor's appointment, and an important one at that.  For the last week and a half, Joseph has been administering injections of a Follicle Stimulating Hormone (FSH) into my belly.  It's a natural hormone that assists my ovaries in helping more than one follicle (which becomes an egg) grow and become dominant.  Every few days we have been traveling back to LA to meet with our doctor and monitor the growth of these follicles.  This consists of ultrasounds and blood tests to measure the follicles and check my estrodial (estrogen) levels.  Here's an overview:

First Appt:  "Oodles" of follicles on each ovary.  Prescribed 1 shot per night.

Too small to measure, and we don't know which ones will become dominant.  

Second Appt:    About three 4-5mm follicles are leading the pack.  Increased shots to 2/night.

Third Appt:  Same three follicles growing to about 6-9mm.  Increased shots to 3/night.

Fourth Appt:  Four dominant follicles:  Our leader the 15mm, 12mm, and two 10.5mm.  Increased shots to 4 that night and 3 the next night.

Yesterday, Jess gave me my last shot.  It was a one time shot of Ovidrel (HCG shot).  This is commonly known as "the trigger shot" due to it triggering ovulation within my body.  This then causes my (now) eggs to kick out of my ovaries and start traveling down whichever fallopian tube picks them up.  We are hoping that it's the left one due to my right tube being blocked.  See previous blogs :) 

36 hours later, we go in for tomorrow morning's appointment.  This is called an Intra-Uterine Insemination (IUI) procedure.  After giving a specimen at the lab, the doctors will wash it and filter out a good sample of healthy XY chromosomes.  We then take this to our doctor and he performs the quick procedure.  Basically, he inserts the sample inside my uterus up near the opening of my left fallopian tube.  

Then...it's only God that can do the rest.  It's in His hands.  Even through all the eastern/western practicing doctors we have met, they agree that fertilizing an egg is not possible.  Doctors can get the egg and sperm as close as they can together to optimize an environment of conception, but they cannot make it happen themselves.  Many of these doctors even attribute fertilization to a higher being.  They know it as the universe, and we know Him as the Creator of the universe.  

So many emotions have flooded me.  

These are the things I'm focusing on/praying about before, during and post procedure:

1.  My God is big.
2.  All or nothing, Lord.  We're used to "nothing".  We'd love "all".  Please don't let it be anything in between.
3.  Today is a new day.  God is doing a new thing.  Past events do not predict future ones.
4.  Thanks for Jess.  His strength.  His adoration of You.  His love for me.
5.  Search my heart.  May it be examined ever so closely and lined up with your will for family.
6.  If "all", we will praise you.  If "nothing", we will praise you even more- knowing you're still working things out for the good of those that love you and are called according to your purpose.
7.  He knows the "desires of our heart", and has been reminding us, through MANY others, of this.

Please pray for us tomorrow.  It will be at about 8:30am.  We covet your prayers.  And when (whether this time or another) our Father allows us a miracle to grow in my womb, we will celebrate life...with everyone.  We have decided to celebrate life when we find out.  Yes, even if that baby is called to Heaven sooner than we hope...we will celebrate it's life here with us and be happy about the opportunity to have His glory revealed in our lives.

This song depicts my feelings perfectly, and has been our mantra during this journey.  I hope the lyrics bless you as much as they give us comfort:

Trust His Heart

Babbie Mason

All things work for our good

                                           Though sometimes we can't see how they could

Struggles that break our hearts in two

Sometimes blind us to the truth

Our Father knows what's best for us

His ways are not our own

So when your pathway grows dim

And you just can't see Him, Remember you're never alone

Chorus:

God is too wise to be mistaken

God is too good to be unkind

So when you don't understand

When don't see His plan

When you can't trace His hand

Trust His HeartHe sees the master plan

He holds the future in His hand, 

So don't live as those who have no hope, 

All our hope is found in Him.

We see the present clearly

But He sees the first and last

And like a tapestry He's weaving you and me, 

To someday be just like Him

(Chorus)

He alone is faithful and true

He alone knows what is best for you

(Chorus)

When you don't understand

When you don't see His plan

When you don't understand

When you can't trace His hand

Trust His Heart

The Fertility Chronicles

     After his devotion this morning, Joseph says to me, "I realized something today.  Maybe God has waited to allow us to have children so that our faith would grow."  Immediately I'm thinking to myself...duh!  Then he continued "I mean, maybe since we have grown in our faith over these 3.5+ years he wants to not only give us a child but our hearts desire with children...twins"  I had to think about this more.

     Joseph's thoughts were purely reflective and innocent.  While they came across as "sunday school answers", I knew that wasn't his intention.  As I began my devotion, I became introspective about these initial feelings- and I think I figured something out about myself.  With these fertility trials we have experienced, I have felt (over and over again) "Okay, God, this time you're going to bless us with children".  With every pregnancy test (and believe me...there have been MANY!), with every prayer, and even with every dream about fertility, I have thought "Maybe this is the time we will get pregnant.  God is ready this time, I just know it."...and then nothing.  

     If I'm being completely honest with myself, I think I've subconsciously developed an unbelief in my God.  I hate typing that...it makes it that much more real...but I have to be honest.  Deep down, I have let the thought that of "My God can't do that" creep in.  That deep down reassurance that maybe this time we will get pregnant has been very faint, in the depths of my heart, lately.  After so many months/years of seeing negative results...it's so hard to be hopeful of positive ones.  

     So, then I start thinking..."Ok, God, am I unbelieving in any other area?  Am I exercising hope in the other areas of my life?  Am I praying in faith in other areas of my life?  Am I boldly approaching the throne in other areas of my life?"  Yes, I believe I am.  That's one reason why we have had a sweet reunion with a close family member.  That's one reason why my friends' marriage is back on track.  That's one reason why we sold our home...and the list goes on.  So why is it, then, that this is an area in which my hope is so subtly diminishing?  I don't know the answer.  However, I know that the enemy wants nothing more than to distinguish my hope in any area of my life.  Now, with this realization in mind, I can do something to fix this lack of hope.

     From what I have read in scripture, what I have learned all these years in church, and what I know from other life experiences...God ALWAYS comes through.  I also know that it almost never coincides with our timing.  I am thankful to have a husband that helps me reflect on things like this, otherwise I wouldn't have been so introspective this morning.  Today is a new day in our fertility journey.  This time, God can choose to allow us to get pregnant.  I cannot live by past experience alone, but also by a hope for the future and the great things He will do in and (literally) through us.  I look forward to that day with GROWING hope and anticipation for His glory to be shown through our joy of having a little one to call our own.

     

Summer Blues

As each year of teaching goes by, I learn more and more about myself.  When summer arrives, I meet it full force.  My mindset is "This is great, now I have all the time in the world to get ready for next year!".  About 3 or 4 weeks in, I start to slow down and become, once again, re-aquainted with the slower pace of life that summer can bring (slower in general).  I start waking up a little later, watching a little more TV and doing many more lazier activities.  I think that's why I usually offer to help with summer school.  Subconsciously I know that if I didn't have something that MADE me get up and out of bed...I might just stay in it all day. 

It worries me...

I know that it's good to take the summers "off", and that a lot of people envy that option...but I like to stay busy.  More than that...I need to stay busy.  Don't get me wrong...I like the rest also...too much at times.  But, by getting to know myself more and more...that worries me. 

My favorite scripture talks about just that.  "Therefore, don't WORRY about tomorrow because it will worry about itself.  Each day has enough trouble of it's own." - Matthew 6:34 

About this time, I start feeling "the summer blues".  I get in an organizing/cleaning mode in all areas of my life.  My problem is my tendency to not follow through and THAT'S what gets me down.  Sometimes I feel like I'll never make those needed changes in my life. 

One thing IS different this summer.  Joseph gets to start spending more time at home, as of Sunday (his last shift at KMC as a full-time employee).  He took all of July off and I can't be more excited for that.  He's my best friend and helps me through everything I'm feeling.  I am ecstatic to have him next door to me everyday at school.  It's so much better than being a phone call away.  I know God has him there for a specific ministry...but I can't help but think that ministry is me, sometimes. 

Through this, my faith stands firm.  Sure, I cry out to God a lot more...a lot.  We have many a conversations about what's wrong with me.  He is my rock.  More than Joseph.  I know that when all these waves of emotions are crashing around me, I'll be able to stand firm on His promises. 

David's Song of Praise

While going through a week of trials, one of my closest friends text

me a verse from this chapter of

2 Samuel 22 (in bold towards the end). 

It has endlessly spoken to me since then. 

2 Samuel 22 Reads:

David sang to the Lord the words of this song when the Lord delivered him from the hand of all his enemies and from the hand of Saul.  He said: 
The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer.
My God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my sheild and the horn of my salvation. 
He is my stronghold, my refuge and my Savior- from violent men you save me.
I call to the Lord, who is worthy of praise, and i am saved from my enemies.

The waves of death swirled about me; the torrents of destruction overwhelmed me.
The cords of the grave coiled around me; the snares of death confronted me.
In my distress I called to the Lord; I called out to my God.
From His temple he heard my voice; my cry came to his ears.

The earth trembled and quaked, the foundations of the heavens shook; they trembled because he was angry.
Smoke rose from his nostrils; consuming fire came from his mouth, burning coals blazed out of it.
He parted the heavens and came down; dark clouds were under his feet.
He mounted the cherubim and flew; he soared on the wings of the wind.
He made darkness his canopy around him- the dark rain clouds of the sky.
Out of the brightness of his presences bolts of lightning blazed forth.  The Lord thundered from Heaven; the voice of the Most High resounded. 
He shot arrows and scattered the enemies, bolts of lightning and routed them.
The valleys of the sea were exposed and the foundations of the earth laid bare at the rebuke of the Lord, at the blast of breath from his nostrils.

He reached down from on high and took hold of me;
he drew me out of deep waters.
He rescued me from my powerful enemy, from my foes,
who were too strong for me.
They confronted me in the day of my disaster,
but the Lord was my support.
He brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued
me because he delighted in me.

The Lord has dealt with me according to my righteousness; according to the cleanness of my hands he has rewarded me.
For I have kept the ways of the Lord; I have not done evil by turning from my God.
All his laws are before me; I have not turned away from his decrees.
I have been blameless before him and have kept myself from sin.
The Lord has rewarded me according to my righteousness, according to my cleanness in his sight.

To the faithful you show yourself faithful.
To the blameless you show yourself blameless.
To the pure you show yourself pure, but to the crooked you show yourself shrewd. 
yous ave the humble, but your eyes are on the haughty to bring them low. 
You are my lamp, O Lord; the Lord turns my darkness into light. 
With your help I can advance against a troop; with my God I can scale a wall.

As for God, his way is perfect; the word of the Lord is flawless.
He is a shield for all who take refuge in Him.
For who is God besides the Lord?
And who is the Rock except our God?
It is god who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect.
He makes my feet like the feet of the deer; he enables me to stand on the heights.
He trains my hand for battle; my arms can bend a bow of bronze.
You give me your shield of victory; you stoop down to make me great.
You broaden the path beneath me, so that my ankles do not turn.

I pursued my enemies and crushed them; I did not turn back till they were destroyed.
I crushed them completely, and they could not rise; they fell beneath my feet.
you armed me with strength for battle; you made my adversaries bow at my feet.
You made my enemies turn their backs in flight, and i destroyed my foes.
They cried for help, but there was no one to save them- to the Lord, but he did not answer.
I beat them as fine as the dust of the earth; I pounded and trampled them like mud in the streets.

You have delivered me from the attacks of my people; you have preserved me as the head of nations.
People I did not know are subject to me, and foreigners come cringing to me; as soon as they hear me, they obey me.
They all lose heart; they come tremblings from their strongholds.

The Lord lives!  Praise be to my Rock!  Exalted be God, the Rock, my Savior! 
He is the God who avenges me, who puts the nations under me, who sets me free from my enemies.
You exalted me above my foes; from violent men you rescued me. 
Therefore I will praise you, O Lord, among the nations.
I will sing praises to your name. 
He gives his king great victories; he shows unfailing kindness to his anointed, to David and his descendants forever.

Wow.  I often forget the power of my God.  This chapter of the Word reminds me that He is my deliverer.  God WILL deliver me from any trials that come my way.  It's a sobering thought. 

For so long, I've struggled with sin.  As I progress into newer stages of life, I am realizing those sins never go away- they are just manifested differently.  Anger. Jealousy. Gossip.  All around ugliness.  Yet...in the midst of all those emotions...God has felt every single one of them.  He knows exactly how I'm feeling, and, I believe, truly empathizes with His kids. 

My struggle, this week, was building my confidence through others words and not The Word.  As I look to this chapter again, God's trying to tell me all the things I needed to hear.  PLUS- (as if that wasn't sufficient) He is saying "Steph, not only will I bring you through this- but I will come to your personal defense.  You will be rewarded in my time, daughter."  That's all I needed to hear....and it took me a week to find it from the source I should have saught out first. 

Friendship: The Perfect Blendship

Growing up, I have had many different groups of friends.  Youth group, neighborhood, camp, sorority, school and so on.  Now that I'm married and have my own "grown-up" life, I realize how much my group of close friends has dwindled.  Here might be two reasons why:

1.  In December of 2006, after a sorority birthday trip to Vegas, I realized my life wasn't going much of anywhere.  There on my bedroom floor, I recommited my life to my Savior.  That next year I was able to go on 3 mission trips abroad.  My focus became Jesus: anything and everything about Him.  A lot of friendships were "weeded" out during this time.  Friendships that had no meaning deeper than having fun. I started to realize that positive/like-minded friends were the most healthy relationships to have.  I started over by investing in the lives of people that met this criteria.  It sounds snotty now...looking back...but I think this was a huge turning point in me showing God I was serious about my life.

2.  When Joseph and I started dating in 2007, my focus immediately shifted from friends to him!  I was constantly wanting to be with him- even if it was watching tv together.  I remember going to the Cloud's house and talking about him...way too much (they were great friends for listening to me ramble and still being just as excited for me).  I'm sure this had a huge impact on my friendships as my time for others became less and less due to me spending so much time with Joseph.  I wasn't as quick to "get up and go" anymore.  The "rolling out of bed" phone calls to go to breakfast came mostly from Joseph now.  Looking back, I could have made a bigger effort in keeping these friendships going.  At the same time, I know God had a plan through that.

Now, at the ripe age of 28, I still have many groups of friends.  However, I can honestly say that most all of my friendships now are based on a common faith that goes so much deeper than fun.  For example: In December, Steph and Jen came to visit me while on their way home from Florida.  It was then that I felt an honest sense of true friendship...different from times past.  Next to my husband, these two women know most everything about me and still love me unconditionally.  I feel like I can be my total self around them and they would never look at me differently.  We can sit and watch tv and just be together without any agendas.  It doesn't take an appointment to talk on the phone.  After we see each other, they don't "call it good" for about a month when we require ourselves to catch up again so that our title of friendship can remain just that. 

Not just Jen and Steph, but it's these types of friends in my life that I have come to truly adore.  The friends that if I were to call in the middle of the night, I know they would pick up out of concern and not obligation.  The kind of friends that will be at our side, rejoicing with us, when we start a family. Friends that, no matter what the distance, will go the extra mile for me and my family.

I want to be that same friend.  I want to reciprocate those same things- even when they don't.  I want to be a person that loves at all times...even those people that are hard to love.  I want to be okay sitting in a conversation without being asked how I'm doing, but rather being interested selflessly in their lives.  I want to remember the little things about them, their families and what's important to them.  That's my genuine prayer lately. 

CMO

Everlasting Love

“How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God!”

We talked about this verse (and others) in our small group yesterday morning (also known as “Sunday School”- but I don’t like that term).  First thing that comes to mind is the song we are familiar with and sing regularly.  Second thing is love!  The kind of love God has for us…for me…is unimaginable.  Really…I can’t imagine how much he loves me.  As humans, it’s too big of a concept for us to wrap our heads around.  This is what I think of when I think of love:

-          The lover of who I am.  My Lord.

-          My soul mate Joseph

-          My families

-          Cuddling with Zoe and Ren when they’re sleepy

-          My true friends and their families

-          Consoling friends/students when they are upset

-          Valley Schools

-          A clean house that is organized

-          Camping

-          Finances/Money (I’m weird…sometimes it’s a downfall)

What about the bad things?  What about the deep things inside of my heart/mind that are ugly.  God STILL loves me?  I don’t think any of us will every comprehend that, in spite of all the terrible things I’ve thought and said and did, God still genuinely loves me. 

I find myself often wandering with my thoughts and loving/focusing on things that are so worldly- like a new car or home improvements.  I honestly don’t feel those are bad things or that God doesn’t bless us with the opportunities to have those things to use for His glory, but I’ve got to constantly keep myself in check. 

God’s changing me.  Spiritually, physically, emotionally.  I couldn’t be more excited for a new season of life that He’s allowing me to embark on.  Of course, fear is always lingering in my mind as the journey of my life continues.  Fear of satan interfering with my journey in any way he sees possible.  Fear that someday my parents won’t be here anymore.  Fear that I’ll be a forgetful friend that is constantly having to be reminded of things.  Fear that my past, my history will not be a legacy in our family.  And then my Lord sweetly whispers to me the words of Isaiah 41:10 and more…

Fear not, Steph, for I am with you.  I will strengthen you and help you.  I will uphold you with my righteous hand.  I will see you through this journey.  Until the end, I will be by your side.  Holding you up when you fall and letting you lean on me when you’re weak.  I will guide you through the scary parts of life that will be endlessly sad.  I will help you remember things that are important to others, when you can’t.  I WILL continue my legacy through you.  The legacy that your parents continued and that your children will carry on.  I love you.

I love those moments.  When God whispers ever so gently.  I pray that I never get to a point ever again where I can’t/won’t hear Him.  It’s something I’m now dependent on.  Co-dependent on my Savior. Lately, my prayer is to love others with this love that I can’t wrap my head around.  This love that I can only glean from Him and overflow onto others.  A love I don’t have in me naturally.  The ability to see others through His loving eyes and not my judgmental ones. 

I like this quote by Eleanor Powell:

“What we are is God’s gift to us.  Who we become is our gift to Him.”

Yes, Lord, I want to be the best present you have ever received!

CMO