After his devotion this morning, Joseph says to me, "I realized something today. Maybe God has waited to allow us to have children so that our faith would grow." Immediately I'm thinking to myself...duh! Then he continued "I mean, maybe since we have grown in our faith over these 3.5+ years he wants to not only give us a child but our hearts desire with children...twins" I had to think about this more.
Joseph's thoughts were purely reflective and innocent. While they came across as "sunday school answers", I knew that wasn't his intention. As I began my devotion, I became introspective about these initial feelings- and I think I figured something out about myself. With these fertility trials we have experienced, I have felt (over and over again) "Okay, God, this time you're going to bless us with children". With every pregnancy test (and believe me...there have been MANY!), with every prayer, and even with every dream about fertility, I have thought "Maybe this is the time we will get pregnant. God is ready this time, I just know it."...and then nothing.
If I'm being completely honest with myself, I think I've subconsciously developed an unbelief in my God. I hate typing that...it makes it that much more real...but I have to be honest. Deep down, I have let the thought that of "My God can't do that" creep in. That deep down reassurance that maybe this time we will get pregnant has been very faint, in the depths of my heart, lately. After so many months/years of seeing negative results...it's so hard to be hopeful of positive ones.
So, then I start thinking..."Ok, God, am I unbelieving in any other area? Am I exercising hope in the other areas of my life? Am I praying in faith in other areas of my life? Am I boldly approaching the throne in other areas of my life?" Yes, I believe I am. That's one reason why we have had a sweet reunion with a close family member. That's one reason why my friends' marriage is back on track. That's one reason why we sold our home...and the list goes on. So why is it, then, that this is an area in which my hope is so subtly diminishing? I don't know the answer. However, I know that the enemy wants nothing more than to distinguish my hope in any area of my life. Now, with this realization in mind, I can do something to fix this lack of hope.
From what I have read in scripture, what I have learned all these years in church, and what I know from other life experiences...God ALWAYS comes through. I also know that it almost never coincides with our timing. I am thankful to have a husband that helps me reflect on things like this, otherwise I wouldn't have been so introspective this morning. Today is a new day in our fertility journey. This time, God can choose to allow us to get pregnant. I cannot live by past experience alone, but also by a hope for the future and the great things He will do in and (literally) through us. I look forward to that day with GROWING hope and anticipation for His glory to be shown through our joy of having a little one to call our own.
Love.
ReplyDelete