And the Lord said, "... And will not God bring about justice for His chosen ones, who cry out to Him day and night? Will He keep putting them off? I tell you, He will see that they get justice and quickly. However, when the Son of Man comes, will He find faith on the earth?"
I know the starting point. I know the destination. However, the question on my mind has been..which road takes us there? There are so many roads that lead to having a family. Natural conception, ART, foster care, county adoption, private adoption through an agency, private adoption through a law firm, and stealing a child (just kidding!)
For over the past four years, Joseph and I have been slowly researching these different options. As of the last few months, it seems like our research has been more concentrated. Since November 2012 we have done one cycle of IUI through ART, attended a county foster care orientation, attended a county adoption orientation, spoke with a lawyer who does adoptions, emailed/had coffee/text with many friends about their different experiences. I'm thankful for each experience and exposure to everyone's different "road" to having a family. However, now I am more confused than ever.
For many of the options listed above, either Jess or I have felt like we shouldn't keep pursuing them for very different reasons. Which brings us back to square one. However, I'm learning that square one isn't a bad place to be. It has pulled the control out from under our human selves and given it back to the One who rightly should have it. It doesn't take the confusion away. And I feel that the more I pray, the more conflicted I feel by having this God-given desire to have a family and be a mom- yet, not feeling led to pursue many of these roads further. I feel like both feelings are from the Father, but how could they not be in line with each other. I have to be missing something.
I have the privilege of being a part of a discipleship program at church. Right now we are going through the workbook "Spiritual Disciplines for the Christian Life." I'm on the chapter about prayer, and this quote jumped out at me: "If we do not persevere in prayer, what are we demonstrating that we believe about God's love and His promises to us?" The answer: Nothing. When the rubber meets the road, we are demonstrating that we don't believe God will REALLY answer our prayer.
So where does that leave me and Jess? Back at square one. We know He has promised us a family and a biological one at that. I believe that will happen. His timing remains. Control is His, not ours. While I may feel confused along the way, He doesn't. And, like the above scripture says, "He will see that they get justice and quickly." I can't expect God's definition of "quickly", and mine, to be the same. He is Sovereign, and I am not.
And when it happens...I will...Jess will...those around us will...give Him the glory.
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
Sunday, December 23, 2012
His Glory, My Joy
Many people choose to not share their journey to pregnancy/early pregnancy with others, early on, for different reasons. "I don't want people to know I'm trying, because they'll keep asking me if I'm pregnant yet". "I don't want to tell people I'm pregnant until we are past the first trimester, to make sure everything is OK." I have heard this over and over. Like I said, I respect that. It's your family. It's your decision. We have been in that "dreaded" situation ourselves: announcing our pregnancy and then having to announce our early loss. However, after much family talk, we have decided to take a different path than most.
We want to be very open about our journey- all of it- for a few reasons:
We want to be very open about our journey- all of it- for a few reasons:
1. So that our friends and family (especially those we don't see/talk to on a regular basis)
know specifically how to pray for us.
2. So that we may be an encouragement to others in similar situations.
Hence this blog.
On this Christmas Eve, we will be doing something very untraditional for the holidays. We have a doctor's appointment, and an important one at that. For the last week and a half, Joseph has been administering injections of a Follicle Stimulating Hormone (FSH) into my belly. It's a natural hormone that assists my ovaries in helping more than one follicle (which becomes an egg) grow and become dominant. Every few days we have been traveling back to LA to meet with our doctor and monitor the growth of these follicles. This consists of ultrasounds and blood tests to measure the follicles and check my estrodial (estrogen) levels. Here's an overview:
First Appt: "Oodles" of follicles on each ovary. Prescribed 1 shot per night.
Too small to measure, and we don't know which ones will become dominant.
Second Appt: About three 4-5mm follicles are leading the pack. Increased shots to 2/night.
Third Appt: Same three follicles growing to about 6-9mm. Increased shots to 3/night.
Fourth Appt: Four dominant follicles: Our leader the 15mm, 12mm, and two 10.5mm. Increased shots to 4 that night and 3 the next night.
Yesterday, Jess gave me my last shot. It was a one time shot of Ovidrel (HCG shot). This is commonly known as "the trigger shot" due to it triggering ovulation within my body. This then causes my (now) eggs to kick out of my ovaries and start traveling down whichever fallopian tube picks them up. We are hoping that it's the left one due to my right tube being blocked. See previous blogs :)
36 hours later, we go in for tomorrow morning's appointment. This is called an Intra-Uterine Insemination (IUI) procedure. After giving a specimen at the lab, the doctors will wash it and filter out a good sample of healthy XY chromosomes. We then take this to our doctor and he performs the quick procedure. Basically, he inserts the sample inside my uterus up near the opening of my left fallopian tube.
Then...it's only God that can do the rest. It's in His hands. Even through all the eastern/western practicing doctors we have met, they agree that fertilizing an egg is not possible. Doctors can get the egg and sperm as close as they can together to optimize an environment of conception, but they cannot make it happen themselves. Many of these doctors even attribute fertilization to a higher being. They know it as the universe, and we know Him as the Creator of the universe.
So many emotions have flooded me.
These are the things I'm focusing on/praying about before, during and post procedure:
2. All or nothing, Lord. We're used to "nothing". We'd love "all". Please don't let it be anything in between.
3. Today is a new day. God is doing a new thing. Past events do not predict future ones.
4. Thanks for Jess. His strength. His adoration of You. His love for me.
5. Search my heart. May it be examined ever so closely and lined up with your will for family.
6. If "all", we will praise you. If "nothing", we will praise you even more- knowing you're still working things out for the good of those that love you and are called according to your purpose.
7. He knows the "desires of our heart", and has been reminding us, through MANY others, of this.
Please pray for us tomorrow. It will be at about 8:30am. We covet your prayers. And when (whether this time or another) our Father allows us a miracle to grow in my womb, we will celebrate life...with everyone. We have decided to celebrate life when we find out. Yes, even if that baby is called to Heaven sooner than we hope...we will celebrate it's life here with us and be happy about the opportunity to have His glory revealed in our lives.
This song depicts my feelings perfectly, and has been our mantra during this journey. I hope the lyrics bless you as much as they give us comfort:
Trust His Heart
Babbie Mason
All things work for our good
Though sometimes we can't see how they could
Struggles that break our hearts in two
Sometimes blind us to the truth
Our Father knows what's best for us
His ways are not our own
So when your pathway grows dim
And you just can't see Him, Remember you're never alone
Chorus:
God is too wise to be mistaken
God is too good to be unkind
So when you don't understand
When don't see His plan
When you can't trace His hand
Trust His HeartHe sees the master plan
He holds the future in His hand,
So don't live as those who have no hope,
All our hope is found in Him.
We see the present clearly
But He sees the first and last
And like a tapestry He's weaving you and me,
To someday be just like Him
(Chorus)
He alone is faithful and true
He alone knows what is best for you
(Chorus)
When you don't understand
When you don't see His plan
When you don't understand
When you can't trace His hand
Trust His Heart
Saturday, December 8, 2012
The Fertility Chronicles
After his devotion this morning, Joseph says to me, "I realized something today. Maybe God has waited to allow us to have children so that our faith would grow." Immediately I'm thinking to myself...duh! Then he continued "I mean, maybe since we have grown in our faith over these 3.5+ years he wants to not only give us a child but our hearts desire with children...twins" I had to think about this more.
Joseph's thoughts were purely reflective and innocent. While they came across as "sunday school answers", I knew that wasn't his intention. As I began my devotion, I became introspective about these initial feelings- and I think I figured something out about myself. With these fertility trials we have experienced, I have felt (over and over again) "Okay, God, this time you're going to bless us with children". With every pregnancy test (and believe me...there have been MANY!), with every prayer, and even with every dream about fertility, I have thought "Maybe this is the time we will get pregnant. God is ready this time, I just know it."...and then nothing.
If I'm being completely honest with myself, I think I've subconsciously developed an unbelief in my God. I hate typing that...it makes it that much more real...but I have to be honest. Deep down, I have let the thought that of "My God can't do that" creep in. That deep down reassurance that maybe this time we will get pregnant has been very faint, in the depths of my heart, lately. After so many months/years of seeing negative results...it's so hard to be hopeful of positive ones.
So, then I start thinking..."Ok, God, am I unbelieving in any other area? Am I exercising hope in the other areas of my life? Am I praying in faith in other areas of my life? Am I boldly approaching the throne in other areas of my life?" Yes, I believe I am. That's one reason why we have had a sweet reunion with a close family member. That's one reason why my friends' marriage is back on track. That's one reason why we sold our home...and the list goes on. So why is it, then, that this is an area in which my hope is so subtly diminishing? I don't know the answer. However, I know that the enemy wants nothing more than to distinguish my hope in any area of my life. Now, with this realization in mind, I can do something to fix this lack of hope.
From what I have read in scripture, what I have learned all these years in church, and what I know from other life experiences...God ALWAYS comes through. I also know that it almost never coincides with our timing. I am thankful to have a husband that helps me reflect on things like this, otherwise I wouldn't have been so introspective this morning. Today is a new day in our fertility journey. This time, God can choose to allow us to get pregnant. I cannot live by past experience alone, but also by a hope for the future and the great things He will do in and (literally) through us. I look forward to that day with GROWING hope and anticipation for His glory to be shown through our joy of having a little one to call our own.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Summer Blues
As each year of teaching goes by, I learn more and more about myself. When summer arrives, I meet it full force. My mindset is "This is great, now I have all the time in the world to get ready for next year!". About 3 or 4 weeks in, I start to slow down and become, once again, re-aquainted with the slower pace of life that summer can bring (slower in general). I start waking up a little later, watching a little more TV and doing many more lazier activities. I think that's why I usually offer to help with summer school. Subconsciously I know that if I didn't have something that MADE me get up and out of bed...I might just stay in it all day.
It worries me...
I know that it's good to take the summers "off", and that a lot of people envy that option...but I like to stay busy. More than that...I need to stay busy. Don't get me wrong...I like the rest also...too much at times. But, by getting to know myself more and more...that worries me.
My favorite scripture talks about just that. "Therefore, don't WORRY about tomorrow because it will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of it's own." - Matthew 6:34
About this time, I start feeling "the summer blues". I get in an organizing/cleaning mode in all areas of my life. My problem is my tendency to not follow through and THAT'S what gets me down. Sometimes I feel like I'll never make those needed changes in my life.
One thing IS different this summer. Joseph gets to start spending more time at home, as of Sunday (his last shift at KMC as a full-time employee). He took all of July off and I can't be more excited for that. He's my best friend and helps me through everything I'm feeling. I am ecstatic to have him next door to me everyday at school. It's so much better than being a phone call away. I know God has him there for a specific ministry...but I can't help but think that ministry is me, sometimes.
Through this, my faith stands firm. Sure, I cry out to God a lot more...a lot. We have many a conversations about what's wrong with me. He is my rock. More than Joseph. I know that when all these waves of emotions are crashing around me, I'll be able to stand firm on His promises.
It worries me...
I know that it's good to take the summers "off", and that a lot of people envy that option...but I like to stay busy. More than that...I need to stay busy. Don't get me wrong...I like the rest also...too much at times. But, by getting to know myself more and more...that worries me.
My favorite scripture talks about just that. "Therefore, don't WORRY about tomorrow because it will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of it's own." - Matthew 6:34
About this time, I start feeling "the summer blues". I get in an organizing/cleaning mode in all areas of my life. My problem is my tendency to not follow through and THAT'S what gets me down. Sometimes I feel like I'll never make those needed changes in my life.
One thing IS different this summer. Joseph gets to start spending more time at home, as of Sunday (his last shift at KMC as a full-time employee). He took all of July off and I can't be more excited for that. He's my best friend and helps me through everything I'm feeling. I am ecstatic to have him next door to me everyday at school. It's so much better than being a phone call away. I know God has him there for a specific ministry...but I can't help but think that ministry is me, sometimes.
Through this, my faith stands firm. Sure, I cry out to God a lot more...a lot. We have many a conversations about what's wrong with me. He is my rock. More than Joseph. I know that when all these waves of emotions are crashing around me, I'll be able to stand firm on His promises.
Saturday, March 19, 2011
David's Song of Praise
While going through a week of trials, one of my closest friends text
me a verse from this chapter of
2 Samuel 22 (in bold towards the end).
It has endlessly spoken to me since then.
2 Samuel 22 Reads:
David sang to the Lord the words of this song when the Lord delivered him from the hand of all his enemies and from the hand of Saul. He said: The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer.
My God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my sheild and the horn of my salvation.
He is my stronghold, my refuge and my Savior- from violent men you save me.
I call to the Lord, who is worthy of praise, and i am saved from my enemies.
The waves of death swirled about me; the torrents of destruction overwhelmed me.
The cords of the grave coiled around me; the snares of death confronted me.
In my distress I called to the Lord; I called out to my God.
From His temple he heard my voice; my cry came to his ears.
The earth trembled and quaked, the foundations of the heavens shook; they trembled because he was angry.
Smoke rose from his nostrils; consuming fire came from his mouth, burning coals blazed out of it.
He parted the heavens and came down; dark clouds were under his feet.
He mounted the cherubim and flew; he soared on the wings of the wind.
He made darkness his canopy around him- the dark rain clouds of the sky.
Out of the brightness of his presences bolts of lightning blazed forth. The Lord thundered from Heaven; the voice of the Most High resounded.
He shot arrows and scattered the enemies, bolts of lightning and routed them.
The valleys of the sea were exposed and the foundations of the earth laid bare at the rebuke of the Lord, at the blast of breath from his nostrils.
He reached down from on high and took hold of me;
he drew me out of deep waters.
He rescued me from my powerful enemy, from my foes,
who were too strong for me.
They confronted me in the day of my disaster,
but the Lord was my support.
He brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued
me because he delighted in me.
The Lord has dealt with me according to my righteousness; according to the cleanness of my hands he has rewarded me.
For I have kept the ways of the Lord; I have not done evil by turning from my God.
All his laws are before me; I have not turned away from his decrees.
I have been blameless before him and have kept myself from sin.
The Lord has rewarded me according to my righteousness, according to my cleanness in his sight.
To the faithful you show yourself faithful.
To the blameless you show yourself blameless.
To the pure you show yourself pure, but to the crooked you show yourself shrewd.
yous ave the humble, but your eyes are on the haughty to bring them low.
You are my lamp, O Lord; the Lord turns my darkness into light.
With your help I can advance against a troop; with my God I can scale a wall.
As for God, his way is perfect; the word of the Lord is flawless.
He is a shield for all who take refuge in Him.
For who is God besides the Lord?
And who is the Rock except our God?
It is god who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect.
He makes my feet like the feet of the deer; he enables me to stand on the heights.
He trains my hand for battle; my arms can bend a bow of bronze.
You give me your shield of victory; you stoop down to make me great.
You broaden the path beneath me, so that my ankles do not turn.
I pursued my enemies and crushed them; I did not turn back till they were destroyed.
I crushed them completely, and they could not rise; they fell beneath my feet.
you armed me with strength for battle; you made my adversaries bow at my feet.
You made my enemies turn their backs in flight, and i destroyed my foes.
They cried for help, but there was no one to save them- to the Lord, but he did not answer.
I beat them as fine as the dust of the earth; I pounded and trampled them like mud in the streets.
You have delivered me from the attacks of my people; you have preserved me as the head of nations.
People I did not know are subject to me, and foreigners come cringing to me; as soon as they hear me, they obey me.
They all lose heart; they come tremblings from their strongholds.
The Lord lives! Praise be to my Rock! Exalted be God, the Rock, my Savior!
He is the God who avenges me, who puts the nations under me, who sets me free from my enemies.
You exalted me above my foes; from violent men you rescued me.
Therefore I will praise you, O Lord, among the nations.
I will sing praises to your name.
He gives his king great victories; he shows unfailing kindness to his anointed, to David and his descendants forever.
Wow. I often forget the power of my God. This chapter of the Word reminds me that He is my deliverer. God WILL deliver me from any trials that come my way. It's a sobering thought.
For so long, I've struggled with sin. As I progress into newer stages of life, I am realizing those sins never go away- they are just manifested differently. Anger. Jealousy. Gossip. All around ugliness. Yet...in the midst of all those emotions...God has felt every single one of them. He knows exactly how I'm feeling, and, I believe, truly empathizes with His kids.
My struggle, this week, was building my confidence through others words and not The Word. As I look to this chapter again, God's trying to tell me all the things I needed to hear. PLUS- (as if that wasn't sufficient) He is saying "Steph, not only will I bring you through this- but I will come to your personal defense. You will be rewarded in my time, daughter." That's all I needed to hear....and it took me a week to find it from the source I should have saught out first.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Friendship: The Perfect Blendship
Growing up, I have had many different groups of friends. Youth group, neighborhood, camp, sorority, school and so on. Now that I'm married and have my own "grown-up" life, I realize how much my group of close friends has dwindled. Here might be two reasons why:
1. In December of 2006, after a sorority birthday trip to Vegas, I realized my life wasn't going much of anywhere. There on my bedroom floor, I recommited my life to my Savior. That next year I was able to go on 3 mission trips abroad. My focus became Jesus: anything and everything about Him. A lot of friendships were "weeded" out during this time. Friendships that had no meaning deeper than having fun. I started to realize that positive/like-minded friends were the most healthy relationships to have. I started over by investing in the lives of people that met this criteria. It sounds snotty now...looking back...but I think this was a huge turning point in me showing God I was serious about my life.
2. When Joseph and I started dating in 2007, my focus immediately shifted from friends to him! I was constantly wanting to be with him- even if it was watching tv together. I remember going to the Cloud's house and talking about him...way too much (they were great friends for listening to me ramble and still being just as excited for me). I'm sure this had a huge impact on my friendships as my time for others became less and less due to me spending so much time with Joseph. I wasn't as quick to "get up and go" anymore. The "rolling out of bed" phone calls to go to breakfast came mostly from Joseph now. Looking back, I could have made a bigger effort in keeping these friendships going. At the same time, I know God had a plan through that.
Now, at the ripe age of 28, I still have many groups of friends. However, I can honestly say that most all of my friendships now are based on a common faith that goes so much deeper than fun. For example: In December, Steph and Jen came to visit me while on their way home from Florida. It was then that I felt an honest sense of true friendship...different from times past. Next to my husband, these two women know most everything about me and still love me unconditionally. I feel like I can be my total self around them and they would never look at me differently. We can sit and watch tv and just be together without any agendas. It doesn't take an appointment to talk on the phone. After we see each other, they don't "call it good" for about a month when we require ourselves to catch up again so that our title of friendship can remain just that.
Not just Jen and Steph, but it's these types of friends in my life that I have come to truly adore. The friends that if I were to call in the middle of the night, I know they would pick up out of concern and not obligation. The kind of friends that will be at our side, rejoicing with us, when we start a family. Friends that, no matter what the distance, will go the extra mile for me and my family.
I want to be that same friend. I want to reciprocate those same things- even when they don't. I want to be a person that loves at all times...even those people that are hard to love. I want to be okay sitting in a conversation without being asked how I'm doing, but rather being interested selflessly in their lives. I want to remember the little things about them, their families and what's important to them. That's my genuine prayer lately.
CMO
1. In December of 2006, after a sorority birthday trip to Vegas, I realized my life wasn't going much of anywhere. There on my bedroom floor, I recommited my life to my Savior. That next year I was able to go on 3 mission trips abroad. My focus became Jesus: anything and everything about Him. A lot of friendships were "weeded" out during this time. Friendships that had no meaning deeper than having fun. I started to realize that positive/like-minded friends were the most healthy relationships to have. I started over by investing in the lives of people that met this criteria. It sounds snotty now...looking back...but I think this was a huge turning point in me showing God I was serious about my life.
2. When Joseph and I started dating in 2007, my focus immediately shifted from friends to him! I was constantly wanting to be with him- even if it was watching tv together. I remember going to the Cloud's house and talking about him...way too much (they were great friends for listening to me ramble and still being just as excited for me). I'm sure this had a huge impact on my friendships as my time for others became less and less due to me spending so much time with Joseph. I wasn't as quick to "get up and go" anymore. The "rolling out of bed" phone calls to go to breakfast came mostly from Joseph now. Looking back, I could have made a bigger effort in keeping these friendships going. At the same time, I know God had a plan through that.
Now, at the ripe age of 28, I still have many groups of friends. However, I can honestly say that most all of my friendships now are based on a common faith that goes so much deeper than fun. For example: In December, Steph and Jen came to visit me while on their way home from Florida. It was then that I felt an honest sense of true friendship...different from times past. Next to my husband, these two women know most everything about me and still love me unconditionally. I feel like I can be my total self around them and they would never look at me differently. We can sit and watch tv and just be together without any agendas. It doesn't take an appointment to talk on the phone. After we see each other, they don't "call it good" for about a month when we require ourselves to catch up again so that our title of friendship can remain just that.
Not just Jen and Steph, but it's these types of friends in my life that I have come to truly adore. The friends that if I were to call in the middle of the night, I know they would pick up out of concern and not obligation. The kind of friends that will be at our side, rejoicing with us, when we start a family. Friends that, no matter what the distance, will go the extra mile for me and my family.
I want to be that same friend. I want to reciprocate those same things- even when they don't. I want to be a person that loves at all times...even those people that are hard to love. I want to be okay sitting in a conversation without being asked how I'm doing, but rather being interested selflessly in their lives. I want to remember the little things about them, their families and what's important to them. That's my genuine prayer lately.
CMO
Monday, January 24, 2011
Everlasting Love
“How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God!”
We talked about this verse (and others) in our small group yesterday morning (also known as “Sunday School”- but I don’t like that term). First thing that comes to mind is the song we are familiar with and sing regularly. Second thing is love! The kind of love God has for us…for me…is unimaginable. Really…I can’t imagine how much he loves me. As humans, it’s too big of a concept for us to wrap our heads around. This is what I think of when I think of love:
- The lover of who I am. My Lord.
- My soul mate Joseph
- My families
- Cuddling with Zoe and Ren when they’re sleepy
- My true friends and their families
- Consoling friends/students when they are upset
- Valley Schools
- A clean house that is organized
- Camping
- Finances/Money (I’m weird…sometimes it’s a downfall)
What about the bad things? What about the deep things inside of my heart/mind that are ugly. God STILL loves me? I don’t think any of us will every comprehend that, in spite of all the terrible things I’ve thought and said and did, God still genuinely loves me.
I find myself often wandering with my thoughts and loving/focusing on things that are so worldly- like a new car or home improvements. I honestly don’t feel those are bad things or that God doesn’t bless us with the opportunities to have those things to use for His glory, but I’ve got to constantly keep myself in check.
God’s changing me. Spiritually, physically, emotionally. I couldn’t be more excited for a new season of life that He’s allowing me to embark on. Of course, fear is always lingering in my mind as the journey of my life continues. Fear of satan interfering with my journey in any way he sees possible. Fear that someday my parents won’t be here anymore. Fear that I’ll be a forgetful friend that is constantly having to be reminded of things. Fear that my past, my history will not be a legacy in our family. And then my Lord sweetly whispers to me the words of Isaiah 41:10 and more…
Fear not, Steph, for I am with you. I will strengthen you and help you. I will uphold you with my righteous hand. I will see you through this journey. Until the end, I will be by your side. Holding you up when you fall and letting you lean on me when you’re weak. I will guide you through the scary parts of life that will be endlessly sad. I will help you remember things that are important to others, when you can’t. I WILL continue my legacy through you. The legacy that your parents continued and that your children will carry on. I love you.
I love those moments. When God whispers ever so gently. I pray that I never get to a point ever again where I can’t/won’t hear Him. It’s something I’m now dependent on. Co-dependent on my Savior. Lately, my prayer is to love others with this love that I can’t wrap my head around. This love that I can only glean from Him and overflow onto others. A love I don’t have in me naturally. The ability to see others through His loving eyes and not my judgmental ones.
I like this quote by Eleanor Powell:
“What we are is God’s gift to us. Who we become is our gift to Him.”
Yes, Lord, I want to be the best present you have ever received!
CMO
Monday, January 3, 2011
2011 Goals
I came across these verses in my devotion this morning:
" Commit to the Lord whatever you do- and your plans will succeed" -Proverbs 16:3
"The plans of the diligent lead to profit as surely as haste leads to poverty" -Proverbs 21:5
There's always that inner dilemma for me of finding the balance of faith and planning. On extreme may say that to live by faith is not to have set plans, because our timeline isn't God's. The other extreme may plan too much down to the very minute of each day. Depending on where you fall on this continuum, your theory will transfer over into every aspect of your life (in my opinion).
I'm a "beaver" in so many aspects. I love to be methodical about things. Routine, scheduling and organizing gets me motivated. I'm a very particular person in so many respects. However, over the years of discovering this about myself- I'm realizing that it can be a bad thing to. I was reminded of this when we set our goals for 2011 at the river on Saturday.
We found a perfect place at a picnic table right on the river. The water was extremely high, I'm guessing due to all the rain we have had lately.
(Sidebar) I love going there with Joseph. It's the place he took me on our first date, and has been special ever since. We have no usual routine when we go, but God always meets us there. There's something about nature that brings peace and openness to our marriage. Sometimes we will sit around and have the greatest conversations, and sometimes we will just sit and look at the sky- in awe of the creator's majesty that surrounds us. Like I said, its a special place for us.
(Anyway) I found myself preparing for this upcoming visit by making a list in my phone of all the things I wanted to contribute to our goal setting for this year. If you have ever been in our home, you may have seen our blackboard above our garage door that has our list of goals on it for the year. We usually categorize it into: Spiritual, Social, Financial- but this year we have added a Career category. After rattling off my compiled list, I realized that most of them went into our "financial/investment" category. Typical "beaver". After our list was all done, we realized that our smallest category was Spiritual. Typical humans. Convicted? Absolutely. Here was our list before categorizing:
1. Joseph- graduate with MA in Education
2. Maintaining a healthy weight
3. Sell Camry/Buy new car
4. Put new flooring/carpet in home
5. Finish painting kitchen/master bedroom
6. Cut back on/re-evaluate one bill a month
7. Organize a Crisostomo camping reunion trip this summer
8. Go on a family trip with Steph and Jen
9. Joseph target goals for possible career change
10. Family vacation with White/Crisostomo clan
11. Go to a marriage retreat/couple's seminar
12. Make first contact with a Connection Point couple within one week of receiving info
13. Up our offering
14. Make contact with oneneighbor once a month
15. Three trips to visit our brother
16. Visit San Diego right before Christmas this year
17. Send monthly card to two friends
18. Pay off 3 cards and pay Kern Fed down
19. Reconnect with accountability to restart practical evangelism
20. Maintain quiet time area for Steph
Our theme verse that we decided on this year is Romans 15:13:
"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by he power of the Holy Spirit."
After realizing where most of our goals were focused, Joseph made a practical point in that we need to live with "Today" as our focus. We talked more about it and decided that "This is the day that the Lord has made, we will rejoice and be glad in it" will be another theme for us this year.
It is our prayer that no matter what comes this year, our focus will be on God and God alone. That we will truly overflow with hope, peace and joy as we trust that He will provide for us spiritually, socially and financially all year long. All that to say, often I've got to push that "beaver" aside and be spirit-led. Even if it means breaking routine or going off schedule- my ultimate schedule is a kingdom one. Is it bad to plan? I believe those verses, from my devotion today, say no..it's not. I know God values a woman of wisdom, and that part of being a "woman of noble character" is being self disciplined.
So...I look forward to the days that lie ahead in 2011!
CMO
" Commit to the Lord whatever you do- and your plans will succeed" -Proverbs 16:3
"The plans of the diligent lead to profit as surely as haste leads to poverty" -Proverbs 21:5
There's always that inner dilemma for me of finding the balance of faith and planning. On extreme may say that to live by faith is not to have set plans, because our timeline isn't God's. The other extreme may plan too much down to the very minute of each day. Depending on where you fall on this continuum, your theory will transfer over into every aspect of your life (in my opinion).
I'm a "beaver" in so many aspects. I love to be methodical about things. Routine, scheduling and organizing gets me motivated. I'm a very particular person in so many respects. However, over the years of discovering this about myself- I'm realizing that it can be a bad thing to. I was reminded of this when we set our goals for 2011 at the river on Saturday.
We found a perfect place at a picnic table right on the river. The water was extremely high, I'm guessing due to all the rain we have had lately.
(Sidebar) I love going there with Joseph. It's the place he took me on our first date, and has been special ever since. We have no usual routine when we go, but God always meets us there. There's something about nature that brings peace and openness to our marriage. Sometimes we will sit around and have the greatest conversations, and sometimes we will just sit and look at the sky- in awe of the creator's majesty that surrounds us. Like I said, its a special place for us.
(Anyway) I found myself preparing for this upcoming visit by making a list in my phone of all the things I wanted to contribute to our goal setting for this year. If you have ever been in our home, you may have seen our blackboard above our garage door that has our list of goals on it for the year. We usually categorize it into: Spiritual, Social, Financial- but this year we have added a Career category. After rattling off my compiled list, I realized that most of them went into our "financial/investment" category. Typical "beaver". After our list was all done, we realized that our smallest category was Spiritual. Typical humans. Convicted? Absolutely. Here was our list before categorizing:
1. Joseph- graduate with MA in Education
2. Maintaining a healthy weight
3. Sell Camry/Buy new car
4. Put new flooring/carpet in home
5. Finish painting kitchen/master bedroom
6. Cut back on/re-evaluate one bill a month
7. Organize a Crisostomo camping reunion trip this summer
8. Go on a family trip with Steph and Jen
9. Joseph target goals for possible career change
10. Family vacation with White/Crisostomo clan
11. Go to a marriage retreat/couple's seminar
12. Make first contact with a Connection Point couple within one week of receiving info
13. Up our offering
14. Make contact with oneneighbor once a month
15. Three trips to visit our brother
16. Visit San Diego right before Christmas this year
17. Send monthly card to two friends
18. Pay off 3 cards and pay Kern Fed down
19. Reconnect with accountability to restart practical evangelism
20. Maintain quiet time area for Steph
Our theme verse that we decided on this year is Romans 15:13:
"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by he power of the Holy Spirit."
After realizing where most of our goals were focused, Joseph made a practical point in that we need to live with "Today" as our focus. We talked more about it and decided that "This is the day that the Lord has made, we will rejoice and be glad in it" will be another theme for us this year.
It is our prayer that no matter what comes this year, our focus will be on God and God alone. That we will truly overflow with hope, peace and joy as we trust that He will provide for us spiritually, socially and financially all year long. All that to say, often I've got to push that "beaver" aside and be spirit-led. Even if it means breaking routine or going off schedule- my ultimate schedule is a kingdom one. Is it bad to plan? I believe those verses, from my devotion today, say no..it's not. I know God values a woman of wisdom, and that part of being a "woman of noble character" is being self disciplined.
So...I look forward to the days that lie ahead in 2011!
CMO
Thursday, December 30, 2010
The Perfect Job
I remember a quote my high school choir teacher said, "The perfect job is where you don't work a day in your life". While I'm sure he got that off some bumper sticker or souvenier gift, it quickly became my motto. Then began the search for the perfect job.
In June of 2000, right after graduating from Stockdale High, my parents allowed me to get a job at the Boys & Girls Club. At the time, my three best friends and I had been volunteering there and fell in love with the staff and kids. The three of them received jobs, and I was last to sign on. At the time, it was a one-building after school/summer program for kids. I started off as an activity leader and then became the official Performing Arts Instructor (unofficial Director of Fun Stuff). I had the time of my life. I met new friends and was exposed to a whole different world: the eastside. I think that was God's comical way of foreshadowing where I was going to reside in the future. :) While I grew a lot during this time, deep down I knew that it wasn't going to be the career for me.
Then, in the summer of 2003, I received a job at a summer camp in the hills of Santa Barbara: Camp Whittier. Ironically, it is a Boys & Girls Club owned camp, yet had no connection to the club I had previously worked at. It was only a summer job, and I started as the Drama Instructor. Everyday, I got to teach and play games with all the campers. I lived there for weeks at a time and was exposed to another different world: summer camp (it's a rare bread, believe me). I met some great people and two of my current best friends there, and decided to go back for three more summers. My jobs included: Unit Leader, CIT Director (Counselors in Training teen program), and Summer Camp Director in my last year. I learned so much about myself as an individual and loved it. That camp still holds a special place in my heart. However, I knew I couldn't make a living out of this either.
2004-2008 I paid my dues as a substitute teacher in the public school system. I enjoyed making my own schedule and being able to just carry out instructions that teachers would give me. There was no rocket science to it at all- I just had to show up and carry out instructions while managing a class of students. I saw so many different teaching styles and learned many different activities and classroom management tips. This job was so much like babysitting in that at the end of the day I could hand them back over to their teacher. I was a temporary replacement for a permanent teacher- which was GREAT for those bad classes I had. However, I started to get discouraged- especially when I got to be in classes that I had a great time with. I knew I couldn’t build on anything I had taught, because I would be gone the next day. It was so frustrating at times. I definitely knew that this wasn’t the job for me, either.
Which brings me to my current job: teaching. I swore I would never be a permanent teacher. To be honest, the only reason I did Child, Adolescent and Family studies as my major was because they didn’t believe in standardized testing (which I thought was wonderful). God definitely had different plans in mind. When Joseph and I got married, I moved to his church: Valley Bible Fellowship. One Sunday, I saw an advertisement in the bulletin for needed teachers at their private school on campus. I called and received an interview, actually- 3 months worth of interviews and observations. In August 2008, I was hired! I have been teaching middle school history and K-8 music, ever since! After subbing for close to 4 years, I thought for sure I did NOT want to teach. Who knew I would find so much fulfillment and love for my job as a teacher. After all these years of being a believer, it’s amazing to me how God continually chooses to bless me even when my faith waivers.
I look back at the jobs I’ve had and see how God prepared me to become a teacher. If it weren’t for my job at the Boys & Girls club, I wouldn’t have had the opportunity to pilot my talent in creating kids productions. If it weren’t for my job at Camp Whittier, I wouldn’t have learned how to play and be present in a child’s life, as well as be flexible with kids outside of a normal environment and inside the magic of camp. If it weren’t for my job as a substitute teacher, I wouldn’t have learned the organizational aspect of classroom management and how pertinent it is in the life of a child. All these skills have helped mold me into the teacher I am today. I am continuously growing and learning how to be a better teacher…but I feel like this job is- AGAIN- preparing me for the next one…being a mom.
I can’t wait to have the ultimate job of being a mommy. It’s the only job I’ve truly ever desired deep down. Someday, I will use all these skills to help me be the best one I can be- with God’s help. I can’t wait! Being a mommy will definitely be the perfect job where I don’t work a day in my life.
CMO
In June of 2000, right after graduating from Stockdale High, my parents allowed me to get a job at the Boys & Girls Club. At the time, my three best friends and I had been volunteering there and fell in love with the staff and kids. The three of them received jobs, and I was last to sign on. At the time, it was a one-building after school/summer program for kids. I started off as an activity leader and then became the official Performing Arts Instructor (unofficial Director of Fun Stuff). I had the time of my life. I met new friends and was exposed to a whole different world: the eastside. I think that was God's comical way of foreshadowing where I was going to reside in the future. :) While I grew a lot during this time, deep down I knew that it wasn't going to be the career for me.
Then, in the summer of 2003, I received a job at a summer camp in the hills of Santa Barbara: Camp Whittier. Ironically, it is a Boys & Girls Club owned camp, yet had no connection to the club I had previously worked at. It was only a summer job, and I started as the Drama Instructor. Everyday, I got to teach and play games with all the campers. I lived there for weeks at a time and was exposed to another different world: summer camp (it's a rare bread, believe me). I met some great people and two of my current best friends there, and decided to go back for three more summers. My jobs included: Unit Leader, CIT Director (Counselors in Training teen program), and Summer Camp Director in my last year. I learned so much about myself as an individual and loved it. That camp still holds a special place in my heart. However, I knew I couldn't make a living out of this either.
2004-2008 I paid my dues as a substitute teacher in the public school system. I enjoyed making my own schedule and being able to just carry out instructions that teachers would give me. There was no rocket science to it at all- I just had to show up and carry out instructions while managing a class of students. I saw so many different teaching styles and learned many different activities and classroom management tips. This job was so much like babysitting in that at the end of the day I could hand them back over to their teacher. I was a temporary replacement for a permanent teacher- which was GREAT for those bad classes I had. However, I started to get discouraged- especially when I got to be in classes that I had a great time with. I knew I couldn’t build on anything I had taught, because I would be gone the next day. It was so frustrating at times. I definitely knew that this wasn’t the job for me, either.
Which brings me to my current job: teaching. I swore I would never be a permanent teacher. To be honest, the only reason I did Child, Adolescent and Family studies as my major was because they didn’t believe in standardized testing (which I thought was wonderful). God definitely had different plans in mind. When Joseph and I got married, I moved to his church: Valley Bible Fellowship. One Sunday, I saw an advertisement in the bulletin for needed teachers at their private school on campus. I called and received an interview, actually- 3 months worth of interviews and observations. In August 2008, I was hired! I have been teaching middle school history and K-8 music, ever since! After subbing for close to 4 years, I thought for sure I did NOT want to teach. Who knew I would find so much fulfillment and love for my job as a teacher. After all these years of being a believer, it’s amazing to me how God continually chooses to bless me even when my faith waivers.
I look back at the jobs I’ve had and see how God prepared me to become a teacher. If it weren’t for my job at the Boys & Girls club, I wouldn’t have had the opportunity to pilot my talent in creating kids productions. If it weren’t for my job at Camp Whittier, I wouldn’t have learned how to play and be present in a child’s life, as well as be flexible with kids outside of a normal environment and inside the magic of camp. If it weren’t for my job as a substitute teacher, I wouldn’t have learned the organizational aspect of classroom management and how pertinent it is in the life of a child. All these skills have helped mold me into the teacher I am today. I am continuously growing and learning how to be a better teacher…but I feel like this job is- AGAIN- preparing me for the next one…being a mom.
I can’t wait to have the ultimate job of being a mommy. It’s the only job I’ve truly ever desired deep down. Someday, I will use all these skills to help me be the best one I can be- with God’s help. I can’t wait! Being a mommy will definitely be the perfect job where I don’t work a day in my life.
CMO
Friday, November 19, 2010
Fertility Soap Opera
Today I had a follow up with my doctor (who shall remain nameless for purposes of this blog) from an exam I had done on the first of November, called a Histosalpingogram (HSG).
The HSG consisted of shooting dye through my reproductive system to make sure the "route of pregnancy" was clear and normal. I asked a lot of questions the day I had it done (thankfully...read on) and the radiologist was very up front and honest with me. That day he told me my right fallopian tube was blocked. My pregnancy in March was in the right fallopian tube, and the radiologist said that scar tissue has probably built up and since blocked that tube. I didn't expect that news at all. I cried (a trend with me). However, I left there thankful that I know more about my body. I know, now, that God created that tube with one baby in mind...our first one. Although we may never meet that precious little girl (I felt like it was), that route will forever be hers and hers alone. No other perfect creation will travel that same way. Other good news is that I have slim to no chance of having another ectopic pregnancy in that tube, which is definately reassuring.
Which brings us to today. Today, my doctor was supposed to sit down with me and discuss fertility options after examining the radiologist's report. Joseph and I have been trying to schedule an appointment that we can both make it to for weeks. Here's how the events unfolded:
First, we checked in. I was taken back fairly quickly to have my vitals taken. One nurse started them and then left. Another nurse came up and was standing at the counter opposite of me with her back turned to me. I faintly heard her say something without turning around, but didn't think it was to me. Then she turns to me and repeats "What's your name?" and I said "Stephanie Crisostomo". She turns back around and then proceeds to ask me a bunch of questions, the first one being "When's your due date?" After telling her I wasn't pregnant, I clearly knew that she hadn't looked at my chart WHATSOEVER before talking to me....that's the second time it's happened there. She then proceeds to take my blood pressure and doesn't tell me the reading until I ask. She was all around rude!
Another nurse then takes me and Jess back to a room. She tells me I need to undress from the waist down. I immediately said "Am I having an exam today? I was under the impression this was just a follow up to my HSG exam". She had NO idea what I was talking about and why I was even there. She said okay and then started to leave. She turned around shut the door back and said to me "Well here's the thing, if he does need to do an exam and you're not undressed- than he won't do it today." I said, "Alright, that's fine then." So there I sat, half exposed on the papered lounge chair.
The doctor came in, again fairly quickly. He stood at the corner of where I was sitting and starts our conversation like this "Well, it looks like your tubes are clear and everything looks good..." and then proceeds to talk about something else. I let him talk for a minute (only because I couldn't get a word in with him talking so fast) and then I said "Wait a second, I'm confused...the radiologist said my right tube is blocked." He started flipping through my chart and then said "Oh you're right, yes, it looks like your right tube is blocked".
(Sidebar) WHAT?! If I wasn't the kind of person to ask that radiologist what was going on and for him to explain things to me...or if he wasn't the kind of radiologist that did that....I would STILL think both my fallopian tubes are healthy and functioning! Is this not a big deal to anyone else?? It means I can only get pregnant 6 months out of the year. HELLO....big deal! He CLEARLY hadn't looked at my chart before greeting me, either! I think that's not too much to ask.
Come to find out, he didn't even have the actual xrays from the radiologist (apparently it’s not protocol). He was simply reading the report the radiologist wrote and sent…and not very well, apparently.
Then, as if it wasn't dramatic enough, he proceeds to tell me I have a bicornuate uterus. I know..I had no idea what it was either and had to look it up, because his explanation was terrible. Basically it's where my uterus has an abnormality and has two "horns" making it look like a heart.
Here's a picture for those that are interested:
After all the tests I've had done, how did nobody ever mention this?? Why is this news to me? Ugh.
He continues to talk in "fluff"...fluff meaning it's not anything practical I can grasp onto. He's talking so fast, that I don't have time to ask any questions before he's onto something else. He rarely looked up at me while talking. 90% of the time he was looking down at my chart or writing something in the chart while he spoke.
There was finally enough pause to ask some questions and these were his answers:
My Question: So should I continue taking clomiphene citrate (clomid) since this month will be my 6th cycle of it?
His Answer: Well , it depends. I mean, it won't hurt to continue taking it if you'd like to. It's all up to you and whatever you want to do.
My Question: What about my metformin medicine? I ran out a while ago and haven't been taking it. Is it even beneficial to continue at this point?
His Answer: Well, you can if you want. I mean, it could be one of the factors that got you pregnant in March, but then again it might not be. We'll really never know.
UGH! Please give me some answers! YOU'RE supposed to be the expert...not me! Give me your recommendation at the very least, please! Again, I don't think that's too much to ask.
His words before he left: “Oh, and I don’t feel there’s a need for an examination today, so you can get dressed”. Fabulous...
So we left. A lab slip in hand for a future blood test, $25 less in our pocket, and frustrated.
We went to Starbucks and talked. We’ve decided to quit all medicine (except for vitamins) and find a new OBGYN doctor. I hate the thought of having to start over with a new doctor and explain all this history of mine…but we’re not going back there.
I know one thing’s for sure. God has promised us that we will have children. Not only that, but specifically given us confirmation that it will be natural. With all these things “stacked against”
us: 1 tube, weird-shaped uterus, PCOS and more…Crisostomo babies will be that much more of miracles. And what then? God will receive all the credit.
CMO
The HSG consisted of shooting dye through my reproductive system to make sure the "route of pregnancy" was clear and normal. I asked a lot of questions the day I had it done (thankfully...read on) and the radiologist was very up front and honest with me. That day he told me my right fallopian tube was blocked. My pregnancy in March was in the right fallopian tube, and the radiologist said that scar tissue has probably built up and since blocked that tube. I didn't expect that news at all. I cried (a trend with me). However, I left there thankful that I know more about my body. I know, now, that God created that tube with one baby in mind...our first one. Although we may never meet that precious little girl (I felt like it was), that route will forever be hers and hers alone. No other perfect creation will travel that same way. Other good news is that I have slim to no chance of having another ectopic pregnancy in that tube, which is definately reassuring.
Which brings us to today. Today, my doctor was supposed to sit down with me and discuss fertility options after examining the radiologist's report. Joseph and I have been trying to schedule an appointment that we can both make it to for weeks. Here's how the events unfolded:
First, we checked in. I was taken back fairly quickly to have my vitals taken. One nurse started them and then left. Another nurse came up and was standing at the counter opposite of me with her back turned to me. I faintly heard her say something without turning around, but didn't think it was to me. Then she turns to me and repeats "What's your name?" and I said "Stephanie Crisostomo". She turns back around and then proceeds to ask me a bunch of questions, the first one being "When's your due date?" After telling her I wasn't pregnant, I clearly knew that she hadn't looked at my chart WHATSOEVER before talking to me....that's the second time it's happened there. She then proceeds to take my blood pressure and doesn't tell me the reading until I ask. She was all around rude!
Another nurse then takes me and Jess back to a room. She tells me I need to undress from the waist down. I immediately said "Am I having an exam today? I was under the impression this was just a follow up to my HSG exam". She had NO idea what I was talking about and why I was even there. She said okay and then started to leave. She turned around shut the door back and said to me "Well here's the thing, if he does need to do an exam and you're not undressed- than he won't do it today." I said, "Alright, that's fine then." So there I sat, half exposed on the papered lounge chair.
The doctor came in, again fairly quickly. He stood at the corner of where I was sitting and starts our conversation like this "Well, it looks like your tubes are clear and everything looks good..." and then proceeds to talk about something else. I let him talk for a minute (only because I couldn't get a word in with him talking so fast) and then I said "Wait a second, I'm confused...the radiologist said my right tube is blocked." He started flipping through my chart and then said "Oh you're right, yes, it looks like your right tube is blocked".
(Sidebar) WHAT?! If I wasn't the kind of person to ask that radiologist what was going on and for him to explain things to me...or if he wasn't the kind of radiologist that did that....I would STILL think both my fallopian tubes are healthy and functioning! Is this not a big deal to anyone else?? It means I can only get pregnant 6 months out of the year. HELLO....big deal! He CLEARLY hadn't looked at my chart before greeting me, either! I think that's not too much to ask.
Come to find out, he didn't even have the actual xrays from the radiologist (apparently it’s not protocol). He was simply reading the report the radiologist wrote and sent…and not very well, apparently.
Then, as if it wasn't dramatic enough, he proceeds to tell me I have a bicornuate uterus. I know..I had no idea what it was either and had to look it up, because his explanation was terrible. Basically it's where my uterus has an abnormality and has two "horns" making it look like a heart.
Here's a picture for those that are interested:
After all the tests I've had done, how did nobody ever mention this?? Why is this news to me? Ugh.
He continues to talk in "fluff"...fluff meaning it's not anything practical I can grasp onto. He's talking so fast, that I don't have time to ask any questions before he's onto something else. He rarely looked up at me while talking. 90% of the time he was looking down at my chart or writing something in the chart while he spoke.
There was finally enough pause to ask some questions and these were his answers:
My Question: So should I continue taking clomiphene citrate (clomid) since this month will be my 6th cycle of it?
His Answer: Well , it depends. I mean, it won't hurt to continue taking it if you'd like to. It's all up to you and whatever you want to do.
My Question: What about my metformin medicine? I ran out a while ago and haven't been taking it. Is it even beneficial to continue at this point?
His Answer: Well, you can if you want. I mean, it could be one of the factors that got you pregnant in March, but then again it might not be. We'll really never know.
UGH! Please give me some answers! YOU'RE supposed to be the expert...not me! Give me your recommendation at the very least, please! Again, I don't think that's too much to ask.
His words before he left: “Oh, and I don’t feel there’s a need for an examination today, so you can get dressed”. Fabulous...
So we left. A lab slip in hand for a future blood test, $25 less in our pocket, and frustrated.
We went to Starbucks and talked. We’ve decided to quit all medicine (except for vitamins) and find a new OBGYN doctor. I hate the thought of having to start over with a new doctor and explain all this history of mine…but we’re not going back there.
I know one thing’s for sure. God has promised us that we will have children. Not only that, but specifically given us confirmation that it will be natural. With all these things “stacked against”
us: 1 tube, weird-shaped uterus, PCOS and more…Crisostomo babies will be that much more of miracles. And what then? God will receive all the credit.
CMO
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
She Laughs at the Days to Come
I have been inspired by my beautiful friend, Emily Rimestead, to blog. I love reading updates on her life! So I decided to create one for our little family. Obviously, I'm the author...Stephanie Crisostomo...so everything written WILL be totally bias (biased?). To our family and friends, enjoy!
November 17th, 2010:
I feel the difference in my day when I wake up early and spend time with God. I can't explain it, but I just feel so fulfilled, accomplished, organized and altogether when I have a morning session with Him. The topic of our conversation this morning: peace.
I've had a hard time lately feeling peace in all areas of my life. True peace. Peace characterized by one of my new favorite verses: "She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come." -Proverbs 31:25 (Thanks wifey bible study). I love that..."she can laugh at the days to come". I'm not there yet.
As many of you know, we have had a really hard time getting pregnant. On the 27th of this month, we will have been "trying" for a year and a half. Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought it would be so hard. In March of this year we did get pregnant but found out that it was an ectopic pregnancy (where the baby got stuck in my fallopian tube and started to grow there). That's where my emotional roller coaster reached it's peak. This month has been especially tough because I estimated that my due date would have been late October/early November. Bad days? Yes! Good days? Mostly. It's so hard to wait on God...but it reminds me of another time in my life...waiting for my husband.
Today as I was talking to God, He reminded me of the days I used to cry out to Him about finding my soulmate. So many nights I would lay in my bed and ask God "Why haven't you sent him to me yet? What is it that You're waiting on?" Looking back, I wish I would have "laughed at the days to come" and trusted God fully with the perfect plan he had waiting around the corner for me...Joseph (affectionately known as Jess to family). Knowing now, what I didn't then, I would have waited a million years for this man I call my husband. God knew what He was doing all along (obviously!). I remember the night God impressed on my heart that Joseph was the one...I cried. (Jokingly, I say it's because I had been picturing the wrong babies this whole time...little white kids). I cried because I knew He was saying "See Steph, I told you it'd be okay. I had this guy in mind from day one and he's PERFECT for you. Enjoy, my daughter". I should have laughed at THOSE days to come.
I hold onto that same hope, with this whole pregnancy thing, knowing God will bless us with a baby when the time is perfect...just like He blessed with me Jess. I need to remember to laugh at THESE days to come.
I play the scenario over and over in my head. Seeing two lines show up on a little test. Telling everyone that we're going to have a baby. Total elation. I'm not going to lie, I'll probably still do that often. However, I'm learning to do that with a laugh in my heart, knowing that I'll hear God saying again "See Steph, I told you it'd be okay. I had this little one in mind from day one and he/she's PERFECT for you and Jess".
November 17th, 2010:
I feel the difference in my day when I wake up early and spend time with God. I can't explain it, but I just feel so fulfilled, accomplished, organized and altogether when I have a morning session with Him. The topic of our conversation this morning: peace.
I've had a hard time lately feeling peace in all areas of my life. True peace. Peace characterized by one of my new favorite verses: "She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come." -Proverbs 31:25 (Thanks wifey bible study). I love that..."she can laugh at the days to come". I'm not there yet.
As many of you know, we have had a really hard time getting pregnant. On the 27th of this month, we will have been "trying" for a year and a half. Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought it would be so hard. In March of this year we did get pregnant but found out that it was an ectopic pregnancy (where the baby got stuck in my fallopian tube and started to grow there). That's where my emotional roller coaster reached it's peak. This month has been especially tough because I estimated that my due date would have been late October/early November. Bad days? Yes! Good days? Mostly. It's so hard to wait on God...but it reminds me of another time in my life...waiting for my husband.
Today as I was talking to God, He reminded me of the days I used to cry out to Him about finding my soulmate. So many nights I would lay in my bed and ask God "Why haven't you sent him to me yet? What is it that You're waiting on?" Looking back, I wish I would have "laughed at the days to come" and trusted God fully with the perfect plan he had waiting around the corner for me...Joseph (affectionately known as Jess to family). Knowing now, what I didn't then, I would have waited a million years for this man I call my husband. God knew what He was doing all along (obviously!). I remember the night God impressed on my heart that Joseph was the one...I cried. (Jokingly, I say it's because I had been picturing the wrong babies this whole time...little white kids). I cried because I knew He was saying "See Steph, I told you it'd be okay. I had this guy in mind from day one and he's PERFECT for you. Enjoy, my daughter". I should have laughed at THOSE days to come.
I hold onto that same hope, with this whole pregnancy thing, knowing God will bless us with a baby when the time is perfect...just like He blessed with me Jess. I need to remember to laugh at THESE days to come.
I play the scenario over and over in my head. Seeing two lines show up on a little test. Telling everyone that we're going to have a baby. Total elation. I'm not going to lie, I'll probably still do that often. However, I'm learning to do that with a laugh in my heart, knowing that I'll hear God saying again "See Steph, I told you it'd be okay. I had this little one in mind from day one and he/she's PERFECT for you and Jess".
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